The three of us on the Test Track ride, Jon’s centre with his head down. It’s not a fair picture, because at that moment you’ve been told that it’s a barrier test and instead of braking your car accelerates at the wall (which turns out to be a pair of doors which fly open and you head outside at high speed). Jon’s the only sane one in the picture.
[In the past few months, some people have been noticing changes in Jon’s posts. A few people—I won’t mention any names— *coughKernercough* have suggested that Laura and I might be polishing. Nuh-uh. But something is going on.
Back in September, Jon’s teacher began to teach him composition and editing. Glaring editorial concerns are now being massaged in a second draft, and sometimes that is what we’re posting. Moreover, Jon is absorbing the lessons, so the level of his pieces is changing too. So here, I presented both the first draft, entirely done by Jon, and the second and final draft, worked on by him and his teacher. —P]
I went in a taxi to go to the airport. Next I went on an airplane. I was flying to Florida. I was watching the iPod touch on the plane. On the iPod touch there was some wall-e trailers And Wonder Pets episodes. The episodes I saw was save the swan. The airplace landed after we flew to Florida. I was leaving Toronto on Saturday January 5/08. In Florida I went to Disney World. I was going to Epcot. I went on a lot of rides. The rides I went on were Finding Nemo, Soarin’, and Test Track. I enjoyed the rides. I was going back to the hotel to see the Local on the 8s on the Wether Channel. Then it was time to go back to Toronto. On the plane I got sick. I got the flu. I’m feeling better now.
Jon
My Trip to Disney World
On December 29/07 my family and I went in a taxi to go to the airport. We went on an airplane. We were flying to Florida. I watched the iPod touch on the plane. On the iPod touch there wer some wall-e trailers and Wonder Pets episodes. The episode I saw was Save the Swan. We were on the airplane for three hours. Then we went to the hotel and we unpacked. Next we went to Disney World and went to Epcot. I went on lots of rides. The rides I went on were Finding Nemo, Soarin’, and Test Track. I enjoyed all the rides. Then we went back to the hotel to see the Local on the 8s on the Weather Channel. I had a lot of fun. Then it was time to go back to Toronto. On the plane I got sick. I got the flu. I’m feeling better now.
Jon
Poor Jon! Actually he started getting sick Friday morning, culminating with throwing up at a nice French restaurant at Epcot. Saturday he was completely wiped, spending most of the day sleeping. By the time we were on the plane that night he was conscious enough (barely) to watch videos on our iPod—enough, I guess, that the memory registered as “I’m sick”, rather than “zzzzzzzz”.
I did NOT say that. I complimented the dramatic improvement and SOMEONE *coughPetercough* suggested that the change was not solely Jon’s doing. It was entrapment. And I think it should go without saying that I believe that editorial advice is valuable to a writer.
So there. *pftblllt*